I've got the right stuff

OK, so the New Kids on the Block are on the American Music Awards and I'm slightly beside myself (Don't hate). I found myself - a 34-year-old grown woman - dancing around my living room just like I did when I was 16.

I absolutely loved the New Kids on the Block when I was in junior high and high school. I mean, I was bit nutty about it. I had to record everything they were on, have all their merchandise, etc. I was more than sad when they broke up and went on to do other projects. However, I always wished in the back of my mind that they would get back together for a grand reunion tour.

They did, and I found myself not as excited as I thought I would be. I heard them on the radio, saw them on tv but didn't get anywhere near as excited as I thought I would. However, the same giddiness that I remember from back in the day suddenly came over me. I'm better now though.

They sang a little of "The Right Stuff." That sent me to a happy place where I was jumping up and down and clapping like a seal at the zoo.

I'm not sure what it is, maybe that it temporarily sent me back to a time when life was a little more carefree, a time when I lived and breathed New Kids on the Block, and not the gas bill, electric bill, cellulite, etc.

That was a nice little temporary getaway.

Here I go again . . .

There's nothing like having the wind sucked clear out of you, having your legs swept right out from under you before you have a nanosecond to even have the chance to brace yourself.

That's how I felt earlier as I read the newspaper. The words seemed like strobe lights on the page. It read that local soldiers from the local National Guard had returned from serving in Iraq. This is good, soldiers returning home safe and whatnot.

What it means to me is that I have to deal with issues that I had tucked away in compartments of my brain, heart and memory. As part of guard, my ex - the only ex who as ever broken up with me, thus disabling me from getting him the hell out of my mind - is back in town. That in itself is not bad; what is bad is that I now run the risk of running into him and his new girlfriend.

I know it sounds horrible, but I would be perfectly content if I lived the rest of my life without ever having to see him or hear his voice. Actually seeing him with another woman is simply too much for my insides to deal with.

I've told myself for months that I'll be fine with it all. I often lecture myself when I allow thoughts of him to disrupt my days and nights. There was a time after he broke up with me when I thought that I was actually going to die of a broken heart. For so long I have felt like I've fallen down a well and I'm constantly clawing my way up to the opening, but not being able to get to safety.

I simply do not need another setback.

I have people in my life who tell me that I should get over him, that it has been so long and that I need move on. I want to say to these people that I wish they could live a week in my head, feel how my heart still feel twinges of ache at the thought of him with someone else.

Shut the hell up is what I really want to tell them.

I'm not sure what to call my inability to completely let it go. My brain knows that, in the long run, he is not who is best for me. I know that. I know that his issues are more than I would be willing to deal with on a long term basis.

My question then: Is he still pestering my thoughts because he broke up with me, thus having the control? I mean, I've broken up with guys before and I don't think another thing of it. This is the only man with whom I've ever been unable to completely hand back to the universe. Leave me alone already!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I love a good book

I read a really good book this weekend: "If I Am Missing Or Dead," by first-time author Janine Latus. The book was a true story about sisters who grew up living in a Catholic family with a father who only thought a woman's only value was her appearance. He was always commenting on whether the girls were fat or dumpy looking and about the size of their breasts. As if that wasn't bad enough, he would frequently kiss his daughters on their mouths, hug them in a molester-like way and basically making the girls dread being around their father.

The book was well-written, but it was very sad. It told the story of these women who grew up with a father who was worthless, and then moved on to be in relationships with men who were verbally, emotionally and physically abusive. One daughter grew up very overweight, while the author grew up obsessed with weight and ended up marrying a man who was obsessed about her weight. He would frequently force his wife to dress short of a prostitute in public all in an effort to make people stare and make him feel important.

The author was so lacking in self esteem that she would, and did, do anything to please the man. She did the same for the man in her previous relationship; she eventually left him after he beat the crap out of her during a ski vacation.

I found myself in a constant state of sadness and disgust as I read the book. Disgust at how these women stayed with men who were so abusive, and sad because of the ending. The author's sister would eventually be killed by her live-in boyfriend. Sadly, she knew this would happen. She had left a note taped to her desk at work informing those who cared for her that if she ever became missing or dead, her boyfriend would be the person to suspect.

HELLO: RED FLAG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You don't need to be in a relationship with a person if you have to leave such a letter for your family and friends to find.

I feel better now that I've gotten that off my chest.

I can't wait until winter break so I can read a few more good books.

Where am I?

I haven't written in such a long time that I have forgotten my blog address. How DUH is that?????

I feel kind of braindead, or brainfried. My poor brain has been on overload. I will be soooooo excited when this semester is over and I get a brief break from school. I enjoy school, but I need a little break.

Anyway, I'm very excited that Barack Obama is our next president. I hope and pray that no idiot assassinates him. Unfortunately, I don't have very much faith in people.

I am happy that I was able to be a part of what will go down in history as one of the most significant happenings of my lifetime.

History in the making

As I sit here, watching television, I can't believe that the United States has come this far. From a country that had slaves - and still has many racial hurdles to overcome - I'm watching a man with half of his making as black possibly become president.

I honestly never thought I would see this in my lifetime. Sure, slavery is illegal and all that. But race is still a huge factor in this country, both quiet and spoken.

I feel so proud to be able to be part of this history. I voted at 8 a.m. and was voter 116; I couldn't have been happier. I was so excited that I could not stand still as I waited in line. I was actually so excited that I messed up the first time and had to get a new ballot.

Do I think Barack Obama is going to save the world? No.
I do think that he will be such a breathe of fresh air, something new.

I'm just so excited about it all.

Where is that Candid Camera?

OK, so there are times when I see people and I wonder what the heck they were thinking when they left their house. I wonder if they own mirror. Some cases make me wonder if the Candid Camera show is filming in my town or something.

A recent trip to Walmart had me doing a double-take. I saw two females who appeared to be in their early 20's dressed in jeans that had to be painted on, and tank-top shirts that were just as tight. This would be tacky if the girls were size 2; they were more like size 22.

Let me just say that I am a big girl myself. However, I have enough sense to keep my bulges covered. I don't wear pants that are so tight that the cellulite on my legs show. GROSS.

I stood in line waiting to be checked out, all the while looking around to find out where the Candid Camera cameras could have been hidden.

I had no success.

The funniest part of the scene wasn't the audacity of the two females. Instead, I got a pretty good chuckle from the fact that they were in line to get giant pretzels.

I'm not against being fat; I am a good 60 pounds overweight myself. My goal for myself is to be healthy. In the meantime, I'll be covering by bulges. I know everybody isn't going to be a size 2. However, there is a such thing in covering your ass when you go out in public.
Seriously.

What is your purpose?

I thing God put everyone on Earth for a reason. We must be here for a good reason and not just to take up space, breathe some air, eat some food and scurry about.

Some people may live their entire lives without really knowing what that meaning is. I don't know if everyones purpose comes knocking at their front door. I think one must search for their meaning.

I think my meaning is helping children. I want to make sure children understand the importance of getting an education. It is heartbreaking to see children who have parents who don't make sure they go to school. It is a parent's job to look after their children, make sure they're doing their homework, really have a constant presence in their educational life, as well as all the other parts.

Being a child once, I know that running around and having a good time is the thing to do. But like other people I know, I wish I could take the knowledge I have now and start from the beginning. What a difference life's lessons would make.

Rather than wallowing in what can't be, I think I can help children of today. So my goal is to seek out those children and do my best to express the importance of education -- without sounding like an overbearing parent.

My body hurts

I don't think I've ever felt the type of physical pain that I do now. I finally dragged my big butt to the gym after months of not going, and after months of eating not-so-good food.

Going to the gym was not the bad part; taking direction from trainer Zack was the excruciating part. I'm pretty sure every part of my body is aching. From my thighs to my arms, shoulders, abs and parts of my back, my body is in some serious pain. The only encouraging thing about the workout was the fact that Zack was very nice to look at. Zack happens to be my sister's boyfriend. Man is she lucky because he is hot and so very nice, polite and well-spoken. Yummy. Like licking the bowl after making a batch of brownies.

I must go and stand in steaming-hot shower.

Another year has passed

I missed the Harvest Homecoming parade today. It is a tradition for me and my younger sister to walk hand-in-hand during New Albany's annual kick-off to the Harvest Homecoming festival. The parade isn't any big show or anything, but it's something that me and my sister did together. We especially loved the people-watching. Unfortunately, circumstances prevented us both from going to the parade. She insists that we'll go to the booth days, but it's just not the same.

I can't believe the hottest part of the summer is over and the fall is here. I guess the Harvest Homecoming has always been a mark that the seasons are changing, which is something I always enjoyed.

Sigh . . .

I can take a deep breath . . . for about a day anyway.
I took two major tests today in anatomy and medical terminology. For once I actually feel good about both of them. I actually wanted to dance a jig in the middle of the anatomy test. As I took the test all I could think about was how amazed I was that I knew the answers. I was so surprised.
Now I'm all excited to find out my grade on Tuesday.

It feels good to just sit for a minute. I can't wait to go to bed tonight knowing that I won't be having a test tomorrow. I can't enjoy the relief for too long because I have to jump right back on the wagon and study for a quiz in medical terminology on Tuesday.

I'm also very excited that I joined a gym today. I'm hoping a regular workout will help me have more energy and to remove some of the fat off of my ass, and hips and just about everywhere else.

Could I be that hard?

I don't know if I'm just really insensitive, or if other people are just too sensitive.

Is it wrong that I broke out into laughter when my mother told me about sister crying after she and her husband moved out of their apartment into a lovely new house this week? I mean really. Really? Crying? Come on? They weren't evicted or anything horrible like that; they are doing well in their lives and moved to the next step in married life and bought a house.

I had to get all the laughing out because I can't laugh to my sister because she's really sensitive. Really sensitive. So sensitive that she took it personally when I laughed my ass off when she said that she wanted to replace the four toilets in her new house. Yes, she wants to replace the ENTIRE toilets, not just the seats. Fortunately, her husband nixed that idea . . . that and the cost of four new toilet bowels.

Anyhoo, I am very happy for my sister and her husband. I'm so proud of everything that she's done with her life. She has progressed so well and is growing into a lovely adult.

This is what nothing feels like

I haven't felt mentally or intellectually useful for more than two years. I left my job as a reporter because I was extremely unhappy with the direction the job was traveling. That, and the fact that my new boss was a dictator and I was so incredibly miserable. I was getting physically ill going to work every day.

I left the job and went to another job where I thought I could be of use. Well, I was of use. But, unfortunately, the job didn't last and here I am . . . virtually useless. As a result, I feel so empty and awful that I really can't accurately describe how I feel. I feel like nothing. Nothing.

I've basically cut everyone out of my life. I can't bring myself to talk to anyone, see anyone or think about anyone. My friends call me and I don't return their calls. I see friends and acquaintances in public and I ignore them. I simply can't bring myself to spend any energy on anyone. I spend all of my energy getting out of bed in the morning. There are times, and they are many, where I feel like I'm on a platform watching the rest of the world go by. It's a pretty bad feeling.

I talked to a friend today who is in a similar position. Finally, I was able to talk to another person who knows what it's like to cry at the drop of a hat, or not have the mental energy to talk to another person or even hear another person's voice. I've been feeling bad about totally abandoning people, but my friend let me know that I'm not a total jerk.

Babies are the greatest

I love babies. I love the feel of their oh-so-soft skin, the smell that they have that I can't exactly identify, but you know it when you get big whiff and the way they are just so innocent. My heart doesn't respond to too many things, but it absolutely bursts when I look into the face of a baby and get a look of absolute adoration and a smile that could melt stone.

I got to play with little Jacob -- whose mother is in one of my classes -- yesterday before class. Jacob is just over a year old and as cute as almost anything. His mother is part Vietnamese and Chinese and his dad is good ol' American, so his eyes have a twinge of an almond shape, his hair is a flowing brown and his skin has just the right amount of color. As if that wasn't enough, little Jacob has so much personality.

I convinced Jacob's mother to let him out of his stroller for a while so he could play with me; that sounded a heck of a lot better than cramming for a medical terminology quiz. Jacob got out of that stroller and was a bundle of released energy. And the best part was that he wasn't afraid of me. Playing with that adorable little boy was so good for me.

I pray all the time that God will bless me with a child (or children); I also pray that God brings me the perfect partner to share a child with.

Bring on the honesty

I love honesty. Brutal honesty is okay too. That's why my feelings weren't hurt during a recent trip to Target. That's when I ran into Jennifer, who is a friend of a friend. She greeted me with a hug (mainly because she knows that I am not a hugger or huggee). Following the hug Jennifer asked me how I was doing. "Fine," I said. "No, you look like you need another hug," Jennifer said, and then gave me another what I thought was a really long hug. "You look so tired."

Well, all right, I thought. I guess I need to look into taking better care of myself. I guess that means going to bed sooner, drinking more water and exercising. I'm willing to bet that regular exercise will help me in many areas, both physically and mentally. I think I needed that little run-in with Jennifer to awaken me (no pun intended).

I have to admit, I have not been taking very good care of myself. I have allowed a bump in the road of my life to drag me down. I've been eating horribly and not taking very good care of the gift that God has given me. And since I'm a firm believer in signs, I believe Jennifer's words of honesty were a sign for me.

While I attempt to change my ways, I'll remember a saying in a gift that my sister gave me: LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS . . . IT'S ABOUT LEARNING TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.

Living the American dream

My sisters crack me up. I have three, and they are all very different. One of my sisters recently bought a house with her husband; she'll be moving in a the end of the month. She informed me today that she needs to save money because she wants to replace the four toilets in the house. You read that right: She wants to replace the toilets. Not the seats, the entire toilet. Why? Because other people have used them for years, she said. I'm still laughing thinking about that. Her husband said he would be fine with disinfectant.

God love her, she's just so high-maintenance. She didn't take too kindly to my reaction of amazement. But damn . . . new toilets?!!

I must say that I am quite proud of my sister, and I'm very happy for her. She's carved out quite a nice life for herself and her husband. I can't wait until she starts having children.

Speaking of children, my other sister who is pregnant showed me how her bellybutton is starting to protrude. That was kinda neat.

Tootles.

Crying tears of joy for a change

There's nothing like your future to serve as motivation to do well in school. My future is what I am always thinking about when I'm doing school work. So actually doing well makes my insides feel just a little proud and makes me feel just a little bit better about the future.

I'm proud to say that I got a perfect score on my friggin 80-question, fill-in-the-blank medical terminology test!!! It really means a lot to me because I put a lot into studying. Plus, I haven't always done so well in school, for one reason or another. And I'm not ashamed to say that I cried after I got my test back; they were tears of joy of course. My little sister was proud that I could actually shed tears of joy for a change.

There's no time to rest on my laurels. I have a hell-of-a-lot of medical terms to learn before Tuesday. It's okay, though, because I really enjoy learning about the different medical terms and how they relate.

Pre-test anxiety is crazy

I have never been so excited to take a test as I was earlier tonight. I had my first test in medical terminology: 80 fill-in-the-blank questions! OUCH!!!! We've had four previous quizzes, but this test covered everything. The thought of four chapters of prefixes, suffixes, combining forms and definitions was extremely daunting.

My pre-test anxiety was a lot worse than the test itself. I don't know if it was because I studied all the time, or what, but I actually felt good taking the test. I left no blanks. I think I may have been proud of myself. I'll wait until Thursday when I get my test back.

Paging Dr. Ali

It seems like just yesterday that I was picking up my twin brother and sister, Majeid and Maji, from kindergarten. Some how or another time has passed and the two are close to graduating from college. Where does the time go?

Majeid has applied to 24 medical schools and has his first interview on Wednesday at Indiana University. I practiced interviewing him yesterday in preparation for his interview. As I sat across from him I had to keep all my tears inside. I looked at his face as he answered questions and all I wanted to do was hug on him, hold his face in my hands and just let him know how proud I am of him. But I didn't want to freak him out before his big interview.

I just can't believe my little brother is going on an interview to medical school. He's my little Majeid. In no time at all, God-willing, I'll be calling him Dr. Ali. How cool would that be?

One of the blessed ones

As I sit here and type this blog, I cannot believe that my Internet works. The Midwest fell victim to the aftermath of Hurricane Ike that battered Texas. Our downed trees and power lines are a pain in the neck, but nothing compared to what happened to the poor people in Texas. So I won't complain about any minor inconveniences. I am blessed. Nothing happened to my house, and both my electricity and Internet work. Thank God.

My parents, on the other hand, have been without power for two days now. And my mother is not happy. But I keep reminding her that she is lucky to have a roof and walls and whatnot.

I must admit that I got a really good scare when I arrived home yesterday afternoon; I tell you, there is no fear like the fear of arriving home and finding a fire truck blocking your street and another in front of your house. That happened to me yesterday, but the firefighters were not in the area for anything related to my house. Thank God. I don't even know why they were here, but I'm just glad they weren't here for me.

I've got a major test in medical terminology tomorrow. I'm actually excited about it. I'm all studied up, but I plan on putting the finishing touches on tomorrow.

Tootles.

My shoulders are full

I am so tired . . . of just about everybody and everything.
I'm tired of being everything to everybody. I feel like the person that people come to complain, vent and friggin' bitch to. I mean, I don't think there is any room left on my shoulders.
I'm tired of always being the referee between my mother and my brothers and sisters; between my brothers and sisters; and I've had enough of dealing with ungrateful motherfuckers. I'm just friggin' tired of it all!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sometimes I think people think that I'm some kind of superwoman.
Well I've got news for the world: I am not Superwoman. I'm just a regular person who has feelings and problems of my own. Contrary to popular belief, I do not have nerves of steel. I'm just so tired of it all. I'm so tired of everybody coming at me from every direction. I'm just sooooooooooooo tired.

The one bright spot of my day came when I went to my sister's doctor's appointment and got to hear the heartbeat of her 15-week-old little bundle. Of course, the occasion was cloud-covered because my sister was upset about stuff my asshole older brother said to her. Sometimes I hate that motherfucker!!!!! He is a miserable excuse for a human being and he tries with all his mite to make everyone else miserable.

God please help me get through the rest of my life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just dial 1-800-UTERUS

I talked to my little niece or nephew today, through the wall of my sister's belly that is. I thought he/she should hear the sound of the person who will surely be the coolest aunt. I will also be the person he/she will be able to come to when their mother gets all "mother" on them. Since my sister is JUST LIKE my mother, I'm sure Aunt Amany will be called upon frequently.

I also get to go to my sister's next doctor's appointment; she thinks that we'll be able to find out the gender of the little one. That will be exciting. If it is a boy, Julia says they're naming him Noah; it will be Layla if it is a girl. Julia asked what we all thought of her name choices; of course I had to be honest. Noah - I told my sister - would not be on my short list.

Of all the names in the world: NOAH?????
I'm sure the baby will be gorgeous!! I can't wait to babysit and whatnot.

Where is Tinkerbell when you need her?

I wish I had a magic wand. If I did, I would help the people in my life who need it most. Heck, I'd even want to help those who don't need so much help. There are times when I want so bad to help, but there's just nothing that I can do. It makes me feel kind of useless.

I think I come from a place where I always want to fix things for people. But I'm realizing that there are situations when I just can't help. I even read my horoscope every day in an effort to steal some words of wisdom. As pathetic as it may sound, I also read the Cathy comic strip with the same intention.

Anyhoo, I am proud to say that I got an A on my first quiz in medical terminology!!! While that may not seem like a big deal to some, it major to me. I nearly cried, especially when the professor wrote SUPER on my test.

Yeah, I'm in college and SUPER still made me tear up.

I must sign off; duty calls and the laundry is on the spin cycle. Plus, 20/20 comes on on 15 minutes!

It's a sad day

I got a kind of weird feeling on the first night of medical terminology when my professor told us that a death would be cause for an excused absence. She said that someone was going to die before the semester ended. Ever since then I've been feeling very uneasy, mainly because I immediately think and worry that someone in my family will die.

That didn't happen, but someone did die. My landlord died yesterday. I'm so sad about it. This man was such a nice person. I knew old Doc Nolan before he was ever my landlord. I remember when Doc Nolan came to my class in elementary school to collect eyeglasses to take on a trip to Honduras. That's where he went just about every year to give eye care and glasses to poor families who otherwise would not be able to afford such a thing.

He was always doing something for someone. And he was always taking care of his wife. He always talked about his wife Bernice. My heart hurts a little wondering what will happen to Bernice now that her other half is no longer at her side. I know that she has a strong faith in God; I pray that God will bring her some kind of peace.

I rock . . . for today, at least

I think I totally rocked my first quiz in medical terminology!!!! My brain froze on two questions, but I'm confident that I rocked everything else. I feel really good about it.

I can't bask in my glory for too long because I have another quiz on Thursday. That means learning another chapter and close to 100 new terms. It's OK though because I still have my big-girl panties on.

No time to write; I've got lots of studying to do.

Tootles.

Time for my big-girl panties

There's nothing like a birthday to remind me that I'm not that close to the top of anybody's list. I don't really know what to think about that though. I guess it should just remind me that I'm really the only person that I have to count on.

I guess I should put my big-girl panties on and quit feeling sorry for myself.

It's just that I spend so much time trying to accommodate other people, trying to make other people happy and just trying to be everybody's everything. It sucks a little when the more you do for people, the more you get taken advantage of and generally overlooked. Sometimes I feel like I should have been a spoiled brat, general bitch or asshole to get anyone to give me the time of day.

On a positive note: I've been studying for my classes and I'm finding it very interesting and motivating!! I have a 40-question quiz in medical terminology tomorrow, and I'm fairly certain that I'll have a pop quiz in anatomy & physiology.

John McCain did what?

I have got to cut back on the caffeine!!!!!!! My lower back is killing me and I know that caffeine is the culprit. Since I'm a big baby who loves diet soda, cutting back is going to be difficult. It's either that or this horrible back pain.

I've had a day to take it all in. By it, I mean the fact that Republican presidential nominee John McCain chose the female governor of A-L-A-S-K-A to be his vice-presidential running mate. OK, who the hell, aside from those in Alaska, has ever heard of this woman? And what the hell does she know about being a vice president? Her claim to fame: a former television reporter, ATV store owner, mother and wife.

I want to know what this woman is going to bring to the game.

I swear, this is just one knee-jerk thing that McCain is doing in the hopes of getting the female vote. The motive is soooooooooooooo transparent. This just frightens me because it is the only beginning of other stupid things that McCain could do. God help us all. Eight years of Bush has been horrible enough!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can just picture Mit Romney sitting in his mansion cursing up a storm wondering why he was selected.

Do you hear that? It's the sweet sound of silence.

I love living alone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Coming home after a long day and not having to talk to anyone is so nice sometimes!!!
Don't get me wrong, I hope to some day come home to some wonderful man. Until then, I will enjoy the hell out of coming home to the peace of my house. I don't have to worry about any polite chit-chat or doing anything for anyone. It's great! I can watch whatever I want on TV and change the channel any time I want.

If I don't want to clean the bathroom for two weeks, then I don't have to. I can leave my dirty towels on the floor and step over them all week if I want.

There's nothing like peace and quiet.

Where are my glasses?

OMG!!!!!!!!!
I just had the best Popsicle!!!!!!!!! It was cherry and lime and sugar-free. It was so good. I love a good sugar-free Popsicle on hot day. It was definitely hot and humid today.

I have a massive headache; I'm guessing my head is aching so because I started school yesterday and I've been doing some hardcore studying. I believe my brain is using some parts that maybe I haven't used in quite a while. (Maybe I should wear my glasses.) I hope and pray that this headache goes away!!!
I got lots of studying done today for my anatomy/physiology class. The professor said that we could have unannounced quizzes, so I want to be prepared.

My brain hurts

Today was such a good day in the way of my big return to college. I'm very excited. I'm taking human anatomy & physiology, and medical terminology. Both of my professors speak clear English and teach in a way that I can understand!!!!! This may seem small, but after having a professor whom I couldn't understand, it really means a lot to me!!!!!!!!!!!!

My anatomy professor is making every effort to make the material very easy to understand. I think that is awesome!!!

My medical terminology professor is friggin hilarious, and she seems to be a good teacher. She seems so easy-going that I'm not nutting up about having a quiz or test during each class.

Thank God I got the books ahead of time and started the reading!!!

Oh, and I talked to many of the other students in my classes, which just makes the entire experience soooooooooooooooo much better.

I wish, the first time I was in college, that I had the self-confidence that I do now when it comes to talking to other people and just being self-assured in group settings. Getting some life experience is wonderful. I wish that could be bottled and sold.

God is watching over me!

Tomorrow is the big day when I'll venture back out into the big world of college again. I'm nervous, but I'll get over it. I'll have to. I'm a big girl; I'll put my big girl panties on and do the damn thing -- God-willing. I'm definitely going to need God by my side during my times of adversity.

God has been with me all along, including during one of the toughest times of my life. If not for God, I'm convinced that something very bad would have happened. But I'm convinced that God was watching over me and continues to watch over me. Sure, I do things to screw things up, but I know that God is always guiding me.

I think we as humans learn so much with age. I continue to learn about how we're not supposed to have everything that we want, and things aren't always supposed to come easily. God just has such a magical way of making things the way they are supposed to be and helping us stubborn humans be patient and tolerant.

Solid like a rock

My pounding head doesn't begin to indicate the day I've had. I am mentally and physically exhausted. It's totally exhausting being everybody's rock. It's also rough being the referee for family members. Listening to my mother nag about my sisters and visa versa is friggin exhausting. I guess the thing that is more exhausting is that no one ever asks me how I'm doing. I mean I know that I put off this tough exterior and whatnot, but I'm not always as tough as everyone seems to think.

Whatever. I guess I'll just keep on keepin' on.

What is this happy thing people speak of?

Another long day, another long day closer to my goal: To be happy.
I often wonder what happiness really is and just how many people experience such a thing.
I mean are people supposed to be happy all of the time, or is it something that comes in and out of one's life?
I don't know.

I discovered today that I'm going to have to start spending some time with a wider variety of people. I think that will enable me to be a better person. I'm going to make an extra effort to reach out and find people who challenge me and enable me to learn more about myself and who better me.

God help me!

Holla if you're busy

Gosh . . . I have been so busy today. It has been one thing after another. Currently, I'm in the middle of baking red velvet cupcakes for a friend's birthday, doing laundry, vaccuming stairs, washing dishes and sweating like a fat girl writing her first love letter. Fortunately I have the girls keeping me company. By girls I mean Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte and Samantha of Sex and the City fame. The girls have kept me company on many occassions when I've had things to do and couldn't plop down in front of the television.

Whew . . . The cupcakes are out of the oven and now cooling. White creamy frosting with red crystal sprinkles on top. Yum. Too bad I'm not eating sugar this week.

Anyhoo, I'm going to my friend Marcey's house for a belated birthday party tomorrow. I'm the worst kind of friend; Marcey's birthday was on Aug. 8 and I completely forgot. I was mortified when she informed me. These better be some damn good cupcakes.

Oh, and like the day wasn't stressful enough. I destroyed a Mountain Dew display at the Walmart. That destruction included a 24-packing falling on me and cans bursting. Did anyone help me? Of course not. They did, however, stare. It was almost as horrifying as the time I fell in Kroger while wearing a skirt. Only me.

Tootles.

Please God, send me a good man

I am mentally exhausted!!!! I'm in the homestretch of my period and I think ol' Mother Nature is zapping me of energy.

I am quite excited, and sort of anxious, about going back to college. I'm not, however, looking forward to seeing the 110-pound college freshmen girls. I'm going to have to be sure and keep my mouth shut.

So I'm approaching birthday 34 and that makes me think of a few things: I'm not married; I don't have children; and I don't even have a person in mind that I am remotely interested in being in a relationship with. Do I feel like an emotional failure? Hell to the yeah!!! I know things in my life have caused me to be in this position, but this crap is getting old. I just want to fall in love. I'm not even living in any kind of fantasy world where I think the "perfect" man is out there for me. That ship has sailed. Lord, please send me a man who I can tolerate who doesn't lie to me, won't cheat on me and who doesn't watch porn. Is that too much to ask? I don't think so.

I'm pretty discouraged with the man situation. I encounter men who are friggin assholes on daily basis, and it is totally discouraging!!!! Totally!!
I'm absolutely flabbergasted at what men do and say when it comes to women. I mean I had a guy come to my house, pull out his dingaling and actually think that he was getting some action. He was a completely platonic friend. Never, at any time did I give him the idea that that would ever happen. EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Did I mention that he was married? Yeah, now one could understand the reason for my anxiety when it comes to men. That case is just one example of the requests I've been asked by men, both married and single. I could write a book.

Enough stressing about stupid idiots.

I've got house cleaning to do.

Tootles.

Here I go again

So it seems that they make this blogging thing easy enough for anyone to participate. Thank God. I'm not really down for doing anything that will tax my brain anymore than necessary. I'm a week away from my big return to college where I plan to become a medical coder. Fascinating, I know. But I've been studying a lot of medical terms and learning about the body and its functions. My brain is officially full.

Enough of that. How about that Michael Phelps? Yum! The young fella is on the cover of Sports Illustrated looking especially . . . naked. I'm sure he's not, but I'd like to imagine him that way. As yummy as he looks, I have to remind myself that he is only 23 years old; I didn't like 23-year-old guys when I was 23. Now that I'm 10 years his senior, I'll have to settle for a giant poster of the SI cover for the inside of my bedroom closet door.

A recent conversation with my friend Laura - you'll hear a lot about her; she's my friend, counselor, Sex and the City co-fanatic, and dicked-over-by-guys partner - made me think about the many differences between men and women, which did nothing but piss me off. I mean, I like to think that I'm pretty sharp. I'm no Harvard graduate or art expert, but I can carry on an intelligent conversation with anyone. But I've found that men don't really want much conversation when it comes to a partner. Instead, it seems that men want a woman who isn't very smart and walks a couple steps behind. Oh, and she has to be ready for sex at the drop of a hat.

I recently had several conversations with a man who was actually in my preferred age range; he was well-spoken, appreciated the fact that I could discuss current events and whatnot. It soon became known that the guy couldn't be with a woman unless she was about 5'3" and weighed 110 pounds. I knew then and there that I had no interest in man who was so caught up in appearance. I mean, I looked past the fact that he seemed awfully feminine. I deleted him from my phone.

Laura and I have spent countless hours talking about how soooooooo many men in our lives suck and how we've been done wrong. I have to admit, though, Laura has be crapped on in more shocking ways than I have. Laura and I totally love watching Sex and the City because we see ourselves in those characters. OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!! We totally watch those episodes over and over and it's like watching them for the first time. The episode where Carrie gets broken up with via a Post-It note holds a special place in my heart because I was broken up with in a similar way. However, the tool used in my case was a dry-erase board. I still cry when I watch that episode. God bless Carrie Bradshaw! (Just kidding. I know she is not real. I still love the show.)

I could write all night, but I must commence to watching Big Brother (not sure the season).

Tootles.

My first time . . .

So this is my first time blogging. It is pretty exciting. My friend Laura thinks this is the perfect place for a big mouth like me. I have to admit that she has a good point. I have an opinion on just about everything and I'm not afraid to share. Many folks in my life sometimes wish that I would keep some things to myself, but that wouldn't be me.

If you've happened upon my little blog, don't think that you've stumbled upon some great site where I'm going to discuss the state of politics or what I can do to be green. I care about that stuff, don't get me wrong. But my thoughts vary from day to day, so you never know what you might get. You can bet that whatever I have to say will be thought-provoking, funny or will leave you with your mouth open.

So if I can figure out how to post tomorrow, you never know what I might have to say.

Tootles.