Here I go again . . .

There's nothing like having the wind sucked clear out of you, having your legs swept right out from under you before you have a nanosecond to even have the chance to brace yourself.

That's how I felt earlier as I read the newspaper. The words seemed like strobe lights on the page. It read that local soldiers from the local National Guard had returned from serving in Iraq. This is good, soldiers returning home safe and whatnot.

What it means to me is that I have to deal with issues that I had tucked away in compartments of my brain, heart and memory. As part of guard, my ex - the only ex who as ever broken up with me, thus disabling me from getting him the hell out of my mind - is back in town. That in itself is not bad; what is bad is that I now run the risk of running into him and his new girlfriend.

I know it sounds horrible, but I would be perfectly content if I lived the rest of my life without ever having to see him or hear his voice. Actually seeing him with another woman is simply too much for my insides to deal with.

I've told myself for months that I'll be fine with it all. I often lecture myself when I allow thoughts of him to disrupt my days and nights. There was a time after he broke up with me when I thought that I was actually going to die of a broken heart. For so long I have felt like I've fallen down a well and I'm constantly clawing my way up to the opening, but not being able to get to safety.

I simply do not need another setback.

I have people in my life who tell me that I should get over him, that it has been so long and that I need move on. I want to say to these people that I wish they could live a week in my head, feel how my heart still feel twinges of ache at the thought of him with someone else.

Shut the hell up is what I really want to tell them.

I'm not sure what to call my inability to completely let it go. My brain knows that, in the long run, he is not who is best for me. I know that. I know that his issues are more than I would be willing to deal with on a long term basis.

My question then: Is he still pestering my thoughts because he broke up with me, thus having the control? I mean, I've broken up with guys before and I don't think another thing of it. This is the only man with whom I've ever been unable to completely hand back to the universe. Leave me alone already!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!