This is what nothing feels like

I haven't felt mentally or intellectually useful for more than two years. I left my job as a reporter because I was extremely unhappy with the direction the job was traveling. That, and the fact that my new boss was a dictator and I was so incredibly miserable. I was getting physically ill going to work every day.

I left the job and went to another job where I thought I could be of use. Well, I was of use. But, unfortunately, the job didn't last and here I am . . . virtually useless. As a result, I feel so empty and awful that I really can't accurately describe how I feel. I feel like nothing. Nothing.

I've basically cut everyone out of my life. I can't bring myself to talk to anyone, see anyone or think about anyone. My friends call me and I don't return their calls. I see friends and acquaintances in public and I ignore them. I simply can't bring myself to spend any energy on anyone. I spend all of my energy getting out of bed in the morning. There are times, and they are many, where I feel like I'm on a platform watching the rest of the world go by. It's a pretty bad feeling.

I talked to a friend today who is in a similar position. Finally, I was able to talk to another person who knows what it's like to cry at the drop of a hat, or not have the mental energy to talk to another person or even hear another person's voice. I've been feeling bad about totally abandoning people, but my friend let me know that I'm not a total jerk.