Could I be that hard?

I don't know if I'm just really insensitive, or if other people are just too sensitive.

Is it wrong that I broke out into laughter when my mother told me about sister crying after she and her husband moved out of their apartment into a lovely new house this week? I mean really. Really? Crying? Come on? They weren't evicted or anything horrible like that; they are doing well in their lives and moved to the next step in married life and bought a house.

I had to get all the laughing out because I can't laugh to my sister because she's really sensitive. Really sensitive. So sensitive that she took it personally when I laughed my ass off when she said that she wanted to replace the four toilets in her new house. Yes, she wants to replace the ENTIRE toilets, not just the seats. Fortunately, her husband nixed that idea . . . that and the cost of four new toilet bowels.

Anyhoo, I am very happy for my sister and her husband. I'm so proud of everything that she's done with her life. She has progressed so well and is growing into a lovely adult.

This is what nothing feels like

I haven't felt mentally or intellectually useful for more than two years. I left my job as a reporter because I was extremely unhappy with the direction the job was traveling. That, and the fact that my new boss was a dictator and I was so incredibly miserable. I was getting physically ill going to work every day.

I left the job and went to another job where I thought I could be of use. Well, I was of use. But, unfortunately, the job didn't last and here I am . . . virtually useless. As a result, I feel so empty and awful that I really can't accurately describe how I feel. I feel like nothing. Nothing.

I've basically cut everyone out of my life. I can't bring myself to talk to anyone, see anyone or think about anyone. My friends call me and I don't return their calls. I see friends and acquaintances in public and I ignore them. I simply can't bring myself to spend any energy on anyone. I spend all of my energy getting out of bed in the morning. There are times, and they are many, where I feel like I'm on a platform watching the rest of the world go by. It's a pretty bad feeling.

I talked to a friend today who is in a similar position. Finally, I was able to talk to another person who knows what it's like to cry at the drop of a hat, or not have the mental energy to talk to another person or even hear another person's voice. I've been feeling bad about totally abandoning people, but my friend let me know that I'm not a total jerk.

Babies are the greatest

I love babies. I love the feel of their oh-so-soft skin, the smell that they have that I can't exactly identify, but you know it when you get big whiff and the way they are just so innocent. My heart doesn't respond to too many things, but it absolutely bursts when I look into the face of a baby and get a look of absolute adoration and a smile that could melt stone.

I got to play with little Jacob -- whose mother is in one of my classes -- yesterday before class. Jacob is just over a year old and as cute as almost anything. His mother is part Vietnamese and Chinese and his dad is good ol' American, so his eyes have a twinge of an almond shape, his hair is a flowing brown and his skin has just the right amount of color. As if that wasn't enough, little Jacob has so much personality.

I convinced Jacob's mother to let him out of his stroller for a while so he could play with me; that sounded a heck of a lot better than cramming for a medical terminology quiz. Jacob got out of that stroller and was a bundle of released energy. And the best part was that he wasn't afraid of me. Playing with that adorable little boy was so good for me.

I pray all the time that God will bless me with a child (or children); I also pray that God brings me the perfect partner to share a child with.

Bring on the honesty

I love honesty. Brutal honesty is okay too. That's why my feelings weren't hurt during a recent trip to Target. That's when I ran into Jennifer, who is a friend of a friend. She greeted me with a hug (mainly because she knows that I am not a hugger or huggee). Following the hug Jennifer asked me how I was doing. "Fine," I said. "No, you look like you need another hug," Jennifer said, and then gave me another what I thought was a really long hug. "You look so tired."

Well, all right, I thought. I guess I need to look into taking better care of myself. I guess that means going to bed sooner, drinking more water and exercising. I'm willing to bet that regular exercise will help me in many areas, both physically and mentally. I think I needed that little run-in with Jennifer to awaken me (no pun intended).

I have to admit, I have not been taking very good care of myself. I have allowed a bump in the road of my life to drag me down. I've been eating horribly and not taking very good care of the gift that God has given me. And since I'm a firm believer in signs, I believe Jennifer's words of honesty were a sign for me.

While I attempt to change my ways, I'll remember a saying in a gift that my sister gave me: LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS . . . IT'S ABOUT LEARNING TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.

Living the American dream

My sisters crack me up. I have three, and they are all very different. One of my sisters recently bought a house with her husband; she'll be moving in a the end of the month. She informed me today that she needs to save money because she wants to replace the four toilets in the house. You read that right: She wants to replace the toilets. Not the seats, the entire toilet. Why? Because other people have used them for years, she said. I'm still laughing thinking about that. Her husband said he would be fine with disinfectant.

God love her, she's just so high-maintenance. She didn't take too kindly to my reaction of amazement. But damn . . . new toilets?!!

I must say that I am quite proud of my sister, and I'm very happy for her. She's carved out quite a nice life for herself and her husband. I can't wait until she starts having children.

Speaking of children, my other sister who is pregnant showed me how her bellybutton is starting to protrude. That was kinda neat.

Tootles.

Crying tears of joy for a change

There's nothing like your future to serve as motivation to do well in school. My future is what I am always thinking about when I'm doing school work. So actually doing well makes my insides feel just a little proud and makes me feel just a little bit better about the future.

I'm proud to say that I got a perfect score on my friggin 80-question, fill-in-the-blank medical terminology test!!! It really means a lot to me because I put a lot into studying. Plus, I haven't always done so well in school, for one reason or another. And I'm not ashamed to say that I cried after I got my test back; they were tears of joy of course. My little sister was proud that I could actually shed tears of joy for a change.

There's no time to rest on my laurels. I have a hell-of-a-lot of medical terms to learn before Tuesday. It's okay, though, because I really enjoy learning about the different medical terms and how they relate.

Pre-test anxiety is crazy

I have never been so excited to take a test as I was earlier tonight. I had my first test in medical terminology: 80 fill-in-the-blank questions! OUCH!!!! We've had four previous quizzes, but this test covered everything. The thought of four chapters of prefixes, suffixes, combining forms and definitions was extremely daunting.

My pre-test anxiety was a lot worse than the test itself. I don't know if it was because I studied all the time, or what, but I actually felt good taking the test. I left no blanks. I think I may have been proud of myself. I'll wait until Thursday when I get my test back.

Paging Dr. Ali

It seems like just yesterday that I was picking up my twin brother and sister, Majeid and Maji, from kindergarten. Some how or another time has passed and the two are close to graduating from college. Where does the time go?

Majeid has applied to 24 medical schools and has his first interview on Wednesday at Indiana University. I practiced interviewing him yesterday in preparation for his interview. As I sat across from him I had to keep all my tears inside. I looked at his face as he answered questions and all I wanted to do was hug on him, hold his face in my hands and just let him know how proud I am of him. But I didn't want to freak him out before his big interview.

I just can't believe my little brother is going on an interview to medical school. He's my little Majeid. In no time at all, God-willing, I'll be calling him Dr. Ali. How cool would that be?

One of the blessed ones

As I sit here and type this blog, I cannot believe that my Internet works. The Midwest fell victim to the aftermath of Hurricane Ike that battered Texas. Our downed trees and power lines are a pain in the neck, but nothing compared to what happened to the poor people in Texas. So I won't complain about any minor inconveniences. I am blessed. Nothing happened to my house, and both my electricity and Internet work. Thank God.

My parents, on the other hand, have been without power for two days now. And my mother is not happy. But I keep reminding her that she is lucky to have a roof and walls and whatnot.

I must admit that I got a really good scare when I arrived home yesterday afternoon; I tell you, there is no fear like the fear of arriving home and finding a fire truck blocking your street and another in front of your house. That happened to me yesterday, but the firefighters were not in the area for anything related to my house. Thank God. I don't even know why they were here, but I'm just glad they weren't here for me.

I've got a major test in medical terminology tomorrow. I'm actually excited about it. I'm all studied up, but I plan on putting the finishing touches on tomorrow.

Tootles.

My shoulders are full

I am so tired . . . of just about everybody and everything.
I'm tired of being everything to everybody. I feel like the person that people come to complain, vent and friggin' bitch to. I mean, I don't think there is any room left on my shoulders.
I'm tired of always being the referee between my mother and my brothers and sisters; between my brothers and sisters; and I've had enough of dealing with ungrateful motherfuckers. I'm just friggin' tired of it all!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sometimes I think people think that I'm some kind of superwoman.
Well I've got news for the world: I am not Superwoman. I'm just a regular person who has feelings and problems of my own. Contrary to popular belief, I do not have nerves of steel. I'm just so tired of it all. I'm so tired of everybody coming at me from every direction. I'm just sooooooooooooo tired.

The one bright spot of my day came when I went to my sister's doctor's appointment and got to hear the heartbeat of her 15-week-old little bundle. Of course, the occasion was cloud-covered because my sister was upset about stuff my asshole older brother said to her. Sometimes I hate that motherfucker!!!!! He is a miserable excuse for a human being and he tries with all his mite to make everyone else miserable.

God please help me get through the rest of my life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just dial 1-800-UTERUS

I talked to my little niece or nephew today, through the wall of my sister's belly that is. I thought he/she should hear the sound of the person who will surely be the coolest aunt. I will also be the person he/she will be able to come to when their mother gets all "mother" on them. Since my sister is JUST LIKE my mother, I'm sure Aunt Amany will be called upon frequently.

I also get to go to my sister's next doctor's appointment; she thinks that we'll be able to find out the gender of the little one. That will be exciting. If it is a boy, Julia says they're naming him Noah; it will be Layla if it is a girl. Julia asked what we all thought of her name choices; of course I had to be honest. Noah - I told my sister - would not be on my short list.

Of all the names in the world: NOAH?????
I'm sure the baby will be gorgeous!! I can't wait to babysit and whatnot.

Where is Tinkerbell when you need her?

I wish I had a magic wand. If I did, I would help the people in my life who need it most. Heck, I'd even want to help those who don't need so much help. There are times when I want so bad to help, but there's just nothing that I can do. It makes me feel kind of useless.

I think I come from a place where I always want to fix things for people. But I'm realizing that there are situations when I just can't help. I even read my horoscope every day in an effort to steal some words of wisdom. As pathetic as it may sound, I also read the Cathy comic strip with the same intention.

Anyhoo, I am proud to say that I got an A on my first quiz in medical terminology!!! While that may not seem like a big deal to some, it major to me. I nearly cried, especially when the professor wrote SUPER on my test.

Yeah, I'm in college and SUPER still made me tear up.

I must sign off; duty calls and the laundry is on the spin cycle. Plus, 20/20 comes on on 15 minutes!

It's a sad day

I got a kind of weird feeling on the first night of medical terminology when my professor told us that a death would be cause for an excused absence. She said that someone was going to die before the semester ended. Ever since then I've been feeling very uneasy, mainly because I immediately think and worry that someone in my family will die.

That didn't happen, but someone did die. My landlord died yesterday. I'm so sad about it. This man was such a nice person. I knew old Doc Nolan before he was ever my landlord. I remember when Doc Nolan came to my class in elementary school to collect eyeglasses to take on a trip to Honduras. That's where he went just about every year to give eye care and glasses to poor families who otherwise would not be able to afford such a thing.

He was always doing something for someone. And he was always taking care of his wife. He always talked about his wife Bernice. My heart hurts a little wondering what will happen to Bernice now that her other half is no longer at her side. I know that she has a strong faith in God; I pray that God will bring her some kind of peace.

I rock . . . for today, at least

I think I totally rocked my first quiz in medical terminology!!!! My brain froze on two questions, but I'm confident that I rocked everything else. I feel really good about it.

I can't bask in my glory for too long because I have another quiz on Thursday. That means learning another chapter and close to 100 new terms. It's OK though because I still have my big-girl panties on.

No time to write; I've got lots of studying to do.

Tootles.

Time for my big-girl panties

There's nothing like a birthday to remind me that I'm not that close to the top of anybody's list. I don't really know what to think about that though. I guess it should just remind me that I'm really the only person that I have to count on.

I guess I should put my big-girl panties on and quit feeling sorry for myself.

It's just that I spend so much time trying to accommodate other people, trying to make other people happy and just trying to be everybody's everything. It sucks a little when the more you do for people, the more you get taken advantage of and generally overlooked. Sometimes I feel like I should have been a spoiled brat, general bitch or asshole to get anyone to give me the time of day.

On a positive note: I've been studying for my classes and I'm finding it very interesting and motivating!! I have a 40-question quiz in medical terminology tomorrow, and I'm fairly certain that I'll have a pop quiz in anatomy & physiology.