Please dumb it down to my level :-)

It is just before 11 p.m. on Friday night and I just finished putting in many hours on homework for my pathology class that I started this week. This class is hard, and it is going to be really challenging. Starting with the professor who is an MD who talks to the students like we know what she's talking about. I nearly lost feeling in my right hand taking notes in class Thursday night.

I'm contemplating shooting her an email and begging her to dumb down her lectures to a level that I will understand.

I'm giving my classes my all. I don't really have a choice, actually. I need to do well in them all so I can become a certified medical coder and hopefully get a good job. So failing is not an option.

So I'm doing my best in class, paying attention, trying my best to partake in class participation without sounding like a complete idiot, when I look over and see some of the pre-med students in the class who are not taking notes.

WHAT THE FUCK?????????????

I'm thinking, "It must be real nice to be sooooooooooooo smart that you don't have to take notes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

My eyes catch this Abercrombie & Fitch model-like guy in my class who is picking lint off his coat while not taking notes. I shit you not, I wanted to throw something at his pretty face.

God please help me!!

Doing what I have to do

It is 2009. I pray to God that my 2009 is better than 2008. And 2007.

I'm pretty excited about getting back to school next week. Although I really enjoyed having a month break from school. I'll be taking pathology and coding I this semester. I picked up my books today for a whopping $475. That's right. It's okay though because I think I'll be able to always use the coding books.

All in all, spending the money doesn't bother me too much because I know I'll feel more secure once my schooling is finished and I'm in a secure job as a coder and transcriber. I'll be sooooooooooo super excited to be working in some kind of medical environment.

One thing that I wanted to do during my break from school was to eat right and get back in the gym. I am somewhat pleased that I've been eating healthy for going on two weeks and I've been working out just about everyday. That might not seem like a big deal to some, but it's major for me because I totally use food as a therapist. I've been abusing that therapist for a while now. And I didn't want to balloon up to the size I used to be before I lost a bunch of weight. I'll have to admit, life really gets in the way sometimes. There are times when life seems so very hard. But I'm trying really hard to get myself back on track.

Anyway, I talked to my friend Julie who wondered why she hadn't seen or talked to me in such a long time. I'M SOOOO BUSY. It's just really hard to make time for friends when there just isn't enough time in the day for myself. I'm just trying real hard to get my life back on track. I feel like my trolley car has gone off the track and I'm trying get get it back on.

I have to put myself first right now. I feel bad that I don't have time to talk on the phone as much, or go to lunch with friends. But I know what I'm doing is what needs to be done to make my life better and will enable me to have more leisure time in the future.

I've got the right stuff

OK, so the New Kids on the Block are on the American Music Awards and I'm slightly beside myself (Don't hate). I found myself - a 34-year-old grown woman - dancing around my living room just like I did when I was 16.

I absolutely loved the New Kids on the Block when I was in junior high and high school. I mean, I was bit nutty about it. I had to record everything they were on, have all their merchandise, etc. I was more than sad when they broke up and went on to do other projects. However, I always wished in the back of my mind that they would get back together for a grand reunion tour.

They did, and I found myself not as excited as I thought I would be. I heard them on the radio, saw them on tv but didn't get anywhere near as excited as I thought I would. However, the same giddiness that I remember from back in the day suddenly came over me. I'm better now though.

They sang a little of "The Right Stuff." That sent me to a happy place where I was jumping up and down and clapping like a seal at the zoo.

I'm not sure what it is, maybe that it temporarily sent me back to a time when life was a little more carefree, a time when I lived and breathed New Kids on the Block, and not the gas bill, electric bill, cellulite, etc.

That was a nice little temporary getaway.

Here I go again . . .

There's nothing like having the wind sucked clear out of you, having your legs swept right out from under you before you have a nanosecond to even have the chance to brace yourself.

That's how I felt earlier as I read the newspaper. The words seemed like strobe lights on the page. It read that local soldiers from the local National Guard had returned from serving in Iraq. This is good, soldiers returning home safe and whatnot.

What it means to me is that I have to deal with issues that I had tucked away in compartments of my brain, heart and memory. As part of guard, my ex - the only ex who as ever broken up with me, thus disabling me from getting him the hell out of my mind - is back in town. That in itself is not bad; what is bad is that I now run the risk of running into him and his new girlfriend.

I know it sounds horrible, but I would be perfectly content if I lived the rest of my life without ever having to see him or hear his voice. Actually seeing him with another woman is simply too much for my insides to deal with.

I've told myself for months that I'll be fine with it all. I often lecture myself when I allow thoughts of him to disrupt my days and nights. There was a time after he broke up with me when I thought that I was actually going to die of a broken heart. For so long I have felt like I've fallen down a well and I'm constantly clawing my way up to the opening, but not being able to get to safety.

I simply do not need another setback.

I have people in my life who tell me that I should get over him, that it has been so long and that I need move on. I want to say to these people that I wish they could live a week in my head, feel how my heart still feel twinges of ache at the thought of him with someone else.

Shut the hell up is what I really want to tell them.

I'm not sure what to call my inability to completely let it go. My brain knows that, in the long run, he is not who is best for me. I know that. I know that his issues are more than I would be willing to deal with on a long term basis.

My question then: Is he still pestering my thoughts because he broke up with me, thus having the control? I mean, I've broken up with guys before and I don't think another thing of it. This is the only man with whom I've ever been unable to completely hand back to the universe. Leave me alone already!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I love a good book

I read a really good book this weekend: "If I Am Missing Or Dead," by first-time author Janine Latus. The book was a true story about sisters who grew up living in a Catholic family with a father who only thought a woman's only value was her appearance. He was always commenting on whether the girls were fat or dumpy looking and about the size of their breasts. As if that wasn't bad enough, he would frequently kiss his daughters on their mouths, hug them in a molester-like way and basically making the girls dread being around their father.

The book was well-written, but it was very sad. It told the story of these women who grew up with a father who was worthless, and then moved on to be in relationships with men who were verbally, emotionally and physically abusive. One daughter grew up very overweight, while the author grew up obsessed with weight and ended up marrying a man who was obsessed about her weight. He would frequently force his wife to dress short of a prostitute in public all in an effort to make people stare and make him feel important.

The author was so lacking in self esteem that she would, and did, do anything to please the man. She did the same for the man in her previous relationship; she eventually left him after he beat the crap out of her during a ski vacation.

I found myself in a constant state of sadness and disgust as I read the book. Disgust at how these women stayed with men who were so abusive, and sad because of the ending. The author's sister would eventually be killed by her live-in boyfriend. Sadly, she knew this would happen. She had left a note taped to her desk at work informing those who cared for her that if she ever became missing or dead, her boyfriend would be the person to suspect.

HELLO: RED FLAG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You don't need to be in a relationship with a person if you have to leave such a letter for your family and friends to find.

I feel better now that I've gotten that off my chest.

I can't wait until winter break so I can read a few more good books.

Where am I?

I haven't written in such a long time that I have forgotten my blog address. How DUH is that?????

I feel kind of braindead, or brainfried. My poor brain has been on overload. I will be soooooo excited when this semester is over and I get a brief break from school. I enjoy school, but I need a little break.

Anyway, I'm very excited that Barack Obama is our next president. I hope and pray that no idiot assassinates him. Unfortunately, I don't have very much faith in people.

I am happy that I was able to be a part of what will go down in history as one of the most significant happenings of my lifetime.

History in the making

As I sit here, watching television, I can't believe that the United States has come this far. From a country that had slaves - and still has many racial hurdles to overcome - I'm watching a man with half of his making as black possibly become president.

I honestly never thought I would see this in my lifetime. Sure, slavery is illegal and all that. But race is still a huge factor in this country, both quiet and spoken.

I feel so proud to be able to be part of this history. I voted at 8 a.m. and was voter 116; I couldn't have been happier. I was so excited that I could not stand still as I waited in line. I was actually so excited that I messed up the first time and had to get a new ballot.

Do I think Barack Obama is going to save the world? No.
I do think that he will be such a breathe of fresh air, something new.

I'm just so excited about it all.