I wonder if she can tell that I've gained weight

So many things run through my head when I encounter someone I know whom I haven't seen in a long time: 1. I know I know this person, please let their name come to me soon; 2. Oh my God, am I wearing makeup?; 3. Oh man, look how fat I am. Wonder if they can tell...

That last thought is, for me, the thing that will play through my mind the longest, or until I lose weight and see that person again. I've handled this same situation in so many different ways. Today I was stuck in line at Subway, so there was no running and pretending that I didn't see her. Fortunately, I handled the situation in a grownup kind of way. The woman is a PhD so I'm sure she noticed the significant size of my butt.... Oh well, what to do?

There was the time at Wal-Mart where I turned a corner and noticed an ex-boyfriend. Like any 30-something who was mortified, I acted like I didn't know him and continued walking. Did I mention that I was mortified? And the thing that is so insane about that situation is the ex-boyfriend is such an idiot (who I still can't believe that I wasted my time on) and I shouldn't even care what he thinks of my fat butt. Stupid me.... I would so scold any of my sisters if a similar thought or concern crossed their mind.

Geesh.... I still cringe when I think of all the times that I've run into people that I know and wonder if they notice how fat I've gotten. Like they were all visually impaired to the extent that they don't notice fat people. .... Gahh, wouldn't that be nice?

Douche is never the answer

Standing behind a 20-something girl at Walgreen's tonight, I had to cross my legs in order to stop myself from giving her some advice. Yeah, I had to cross my legs just to keep my mouth shut. I had to remind myself that everyone doesn't care to hear my opinion. Never mind the fact that she was buying douche, and I have been told by my ob-gyn that douching is not good for a woman's insides. Thus, no douche goes past this gushy-gushy. Know what I mean, Vern? I kept quite and let ol' girl buy her douche. All I could think about, after getting past not saying anything, was I wonder why she needs douche. Is her gushy-gushy dirty-dirty? Is she getting it ready for a visitor? Eeeewwwww...... Right? All this while waiting in line to buy some anti-aging facial cleanser. Not that I think that the anti-aging part of the cleanser is going to stop the appearance of aging on my face, but just in case. Kind of like this man I know who is an Atheist but got his children Baptized just in case (his words, not mine). I managed to exit Walgreen's with my goods and without blabbering on about anything douche-related. Fortunately, the check-out girl didn't ask me how my day was going. Had she, I'm sure I would have felt obligated to give her a little too much information about my day when all the while she probably couldn't care less. After all, she was just being polite. That's another problem I have - I give way too much information. I'm not sure where this obligation is rooted. Why can't I just keep my trap shut? I see a project on my horizon.

Money isn't always a good motivator

I recently saw a commercial for the next season of Survivor (I'm not sure the number or what country this series will take place). It got me to thinking about what provokes people to want to participate in an experiment such as this.

The money?
Contestant's aren't guaranteed money. I mean, they actually have to out-lie, out-wit and get to the very end before they win money. All the while, they have to sleep on the ground, sometimes in the rain, and among rats, snakes and all kinds of other animals and reptiles and whatnot. And they have to participate in these physical challenges that just look sooooooooooo hard.

There's no shaving, plucking, deodorant and all kinds of little things that I consider a must. I know shaving isn't a MUST, but it's a must to me, even if I don't get around to shaving my legs for a few days - depending on how tired and depressed I am.
And don't even get me started about other areas that won't be able to be shaved out in the middle of nowhere.

I absolutely could not be part of such an experiment. I would totally get on people's nerves. Sure, I'm capable of being polite and whatnot. But that would only last for a short while. For one, the food supply isn't very plentiful, as past episodes have shown. And anyone who knows me can attest to the fact that I require food to function, and caffeine. I would be a serious bitch without caffeine and limited food. I'm getting scared just thinking about it.

I would be too honest for other people's liking. I know this about myself. I try to not break out the honestly as much as before. But I still have my moments. It's usually in the middle of one of those moment's when I realize that I probably should just shut up. But it's usually too late once I've figured that out.

There is just no way that anyone would choose me to win $1 million.
Plus, I don't think I could get to the end because I wouldn't be able to do all the lying that seems to be required. Oh, and I'm not a very good liar anyway. Gossiping I've got down. Lying, not so much.

Oh well, I guess I'll stick to dry land and my nice comfy bed.

Please dumb it down to my level :-)

It is just before 11 p.m. on Friday night and I just finished putting in many hours on homework for my pathology class that I started this week. This class is hard, and it is going to be really challenging. Starting with the professor who is an MD who talks to the students like we know what she's talking about. I nearly lost feeling in my right hand taking notes in class Thursday night.

I'm contemplating shooting her an email and begging her to dumb down her lectures to a level that I will understand.

I'm giving my classes my all. I don't really have a choice, actually. I need to do well in them all so I can become a certified medical coder and hopefully get a good job. So failing is not an option.

So I'm doing my best in class, paying attention, trying my best to partake in class participation without sounding like a complete idiot, when I look over and see some of the pre-med students in the class who are not taking notes.

WHAT THE FUCK?????????????

I'm thinking, "It must be real nice to be sooooooooooooo smart that you don't have to take notes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

My eyes catch this Abercrombie & Fitch model-like guy in my class who is picking lint off his coat while not taking notes. I shit you not, I wanted to throw something at his pretty face.

God please help me!!

Doing what I have to do

It is 2009. I pray to God that my 2009 is better than 2008. And 2007.

I'm pretty excited about getting back to school next week. Although I really enjoyed having a month break from school. I'll be taking pathology and coding I this semester. I picked up my books today for a whopping $475. That's right. It's okay though because I think I'll be able to always use the coding books.

All in all, spending the money doesn't bother me too much because I know I'll feel more secure once my schooling is finished and I'm in a secure job as a coder and transcriber. I'll be sooooooooooo super excited to be working in some kind of medical environment.

One thing that I wanted to do during my break from school was to eat right and get back in the gym. I am somewhat pleased that I've been eating healthy for going on two weeks and I've been working out just about everyday. That might not seem like a big deal to some, but it's major for me because I totally use food as a therapist. I've been abusing that therapist for a while now. And I didn't want to balloon up to the size I used to be before I lost a bunch of weight. I'll have to admit, life really gets in the way sometimes. There are times when life seems so very hard. But I'm trying really hard to get myself back on track.

Anyway, I talked to my friend Julie who wondered why she hadn't seen or talked to me in such a long time. I'M SOOOO BUSY. It's just really hard to make time for friends when there just isn't enough time in the day for myself. I'm just trying real hard to get my life back on track. I feel like my trolley car has gone off the track and I'm trying get get it back on.

I have to put myself first right now. I feel bad that I don't have time to talk on the phone as much, or go to lunch with friends. But I know what I'm doing is what needs to be done to make my life better and will enable me to have more leisure time in the future.

I've got the right stuff

OK, so the New Kids on the Block are on the American Music Awards and I'm slightly beside myself (Don't hate). I found myself - a 34-year-old grown woman - dancing around my living room just like I did when I was 16.

I absolutely loved the New Kids on the Block when I was in junior high and high school. I mean, I was bit nutty about it. I had to record everything they were on, have all their merchandise, etc. I was more than sad when they broke up and went on to do other projects. However, I always wished in the back of my mind that they would get back together for a grand reunion tour.

They did, and I found myself not as excited as I thought I would be. I heard them on the radio, saw them on tv but didn't get anywhere near as excited as I thought I would. However, the same giddiness that I remember from back in the day suddenly came over me. I'm better now though.

They sang a little of "The Right Stuff." That sent me to a happy place where I was jumping up and down and clapping like a seal at the zoo.

I'm not sure what it is, maybe that it temporarily sent me back to a time when life was a little more carefree, a time when I lived and breathed New Kids on the Block, and not the gas bill, electric bill, cellulite, etc.

That was a nice little temporary getaway.

Here I go again . . .

There's nothing like having the wind sucked clear out of you, having your legs swept right out from under you before you have a nanosecond to even have the chance to brace yourself.

That's how I felt earlier as I read the newspaper. The words seemed like strobe lights on the page. It read that local soldiers from the local National Guard had returned from serving in Iraq. This is good, soldiers returning home safe and whatnot.

What it means to me is that I have to deal with issues that I had tucked away in compartments of my brain, heart and memory. As part of guard, my ex - the only ex who as ever broken up with me, thus disabling me from getting him the hell out of my mind - is back in town. That in itself is not bad; what is bad is that I now run the risk of running into him and his new girlfriend.

I know it sounds horrible, but I would be perfectly content if I lived the rest of my life without ever having to see him or hear his voice. Actually seeing him with another woman is simply too much for my insides to deal with.

I've told myself for months that I'll be fine with it all. I often lecture myself when I allow thoughts of him to disrupt my days and nights. There was a time after he broke up with me when I thought that I was actually going to die of a broken heart. For so long I have felt like I've fallen down a well and I'm constantly clawing my way up to the opening, but not being able to get to safety.

I simply do not need another setback.

I have people in my life who tell me that I should get over him, that it has been so long and that I need move on. I want to say to these people that I wish they could live a week in my head, feel how my heart still feel twinges of ache at the thought of him with someone else.

Shut the hell up is what I really want to tell them.

I'm not sure what to call my inability to completely let it go. My brain knows that, in the long run, he is not who is best for me. I know that. I know that his issues are more than I would be willing to deal with on a long term basis.

My question then: Is he still pestering my thoughts because he broke up with me, thus having the control? I mean, I've broken up with guys before and I don't think another thing of it. This is the only man with whom I've ever been unable to completely hand back to the universe. Leave me alone already!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!